Destroying People You Love

You din't love her, she was just good for your ego or maybe she made you feel less miserable about the miserable life that you had. You don’t destroy

 people you love but you destroyed mine. You never loved me, you just wanted a differing gender’s ego gratified or in more precise word an attitudinal demolishing saviour. To save you from your wretched & dejected life that you couldn’t face.

I was born in an evil world full of annoyance, enmity, malice, detachment, rage but no love. You procured this swift wind of small leafy hearts making me realize the existence of   affection, care and passion that I was insensible, insensitive about. However I dint realize how deceptive it was taking a part of me, away from me. Detaching me because of your anger, madness, revenge & above all ego. The ego which took me away from you whom you had once loved genuinely or maybe that’s what I thought. You were alone sad needing a companion to be part of the only sadness of your life. Why you destroyed me? You felt you were changing, you were becoming you. You got to see a world a happier one that you had never wanted to. But you can’t you are born egoistic, arrogant who feels contented in making others crushed sad and lonely. You always wanted one who could be crumpled beneath your heavy pride. You mistook me to be the target of being rubbed along and when you found things going the other way you felt tarnished and mad.

I could have felt less smattered if I could have emerged, emerged from the dualistic identity. The actual reason was I never wanted to be joyful in Life without you. I had changed transpired myself become a human so different from what I was .I dint care cause I was in love but you never  discerned  the same, You are  in a mental state so different so vicious, concerned   only about you.” I love you “Whenever you said this was when you got to satiate your Pride, your self glorification. I gave you the power to destroy me because I was in love trusting you always because that’s what I thought love was all about.  I am being punished every day you know how? I am far from you, detached but you are still on my mind and I still love you. I know I can never be able to start all of this again, never built the same affection for anyone. I don’t want you and I don’t want anyone else  I want to be left out  in solitude  and to be penalized  for the sins of believing &Loving  someone blindly. May you realize it one day but I be no where to return. I am going back to pay for my sins to the dark evil world, to the anguish and the pain, to the mercy and no gain. Never to return.....never ever.

Swimming to the shore

I have been lonely, very lonely since a prolonged time.My parents left me at a tender senelity of 9 years when I was still battling to comprehend everything.Since then till the age I reached my early twenties I never new what like being together was.How a world where more than one individual staying together share a camaraderie of fondness,warmth & endearment work..The words itself were anomalous to me  & slowly I dint want it either. I was quiet convinced that I was one individual who were to have an isolated life forever.I had no friends & was an egotist narci for outsiders creating  a barricade for anyone to intrude in.

        Life was going on at a wearisome steady pace  when suddenly life had some other devastated plans.She appeared like a fresh dew in  life and things metamorphosed. One who was dragging life on fondness for seclusion was now enslaved by the trifling presence of this individual .she made me feel fulfilled,blossoming a bent for life.The best part of all of it was that I felt like I always wanted this.She cared for me like a mother,scolded me like a father,teased me like a friend& loved me like a wife.All those relations which were never meant for me were now  accomplished by  this one individual.We were so much into each other & I was no more the cocooned one.Life was so perfect when  suddenly that one ill-starred day when she met with an accident & was gone forever.Leaving me deserted to  face the demeaned savage truth of this universe .I love her so much how will I reside? .Why have I changed?Why did she come in my life?Why did she leave me?So many Questions,No one to answer. God please let the monstrosity demise me before I confront tomorrow.You cannot recur the same offence with one particular, seizing from  him all that he had.

I am lonely ,lonely again & this time its darker out here.Why darker?because then I was a  too young for making fond memories but this time the memories are carved on my heart & mind.Memories that can never be bygone. The sanity too  has gone with her .I am walking by the seaside when a family asks me to click a photo.The camera makes me remember her she was so fond of getting clicked.And the second meeting when I was still anxious she compelled me to take a pic of ours.I went home took out my mobile and in front of the mirror tried clicking pics of myself.But wait my tears are not stopping .Im eating food and I want someone to put the first  bite of  bread in my mouth.The tears are rolling and the dry bread is  wet.I try reading a book & suddenly wait for somebody to pat my head & snatch the book from my hands.

I try ending life.I take out a blade to cut my veins but alas keep flipping & finally put it off. I go to the lone island and im walking from the side lane into the deepwaters. Im finally going to detach myself from the loneliness & from the reminiscence that gives me so much pain.Im about to get covered with water.When suddenly I feel someones hand on my shoulders.I turn to see & its she draped in haze dust  but disappears very soon.When I turn again I start drowning I pull myself up and start swimming to the shore......

A Life To Live

We want something's to transpire,they don’t. We want something's not to transpire,they do. We gallop from something's, we gallop after something's .We love the materialistic mundane world ,where as  reverential fear makes us love the Almighty .We choose friends we want to be with, a family gives us no choice rather love or obligation's to stay with. The dingy side of life makes us gratified; the lighter one gives us doubts. Life has its own nitty gritty terms we are bulldozed to follow. These terms are never pre hackneyed, rather is a total contrary putting us in conditions wev never introspected of.

We have dreams unfulfilled ,journeys aspired but not started .We repudiate to say that we choose  paths ourselves, but no one comprehends  that life leaves us in dilemma with no other option .We keep confronting people, some to let slip from memory and some to cherish always . Some gives us pale colorless marks that are wiped out easily 
& some gives us deep lucid that hangs with us never to leave. They’re coming or leaving makes us feel stranded on a deserted island for our entire life.
We are struggling constantly, struggling to achieve something but not our wishes. Our entire life stumps,trying to actualize them.Its too late when we realize that there's no time left for anything.We face challenges intricated and wieldy ,we have opportunities immense & minute,we slump,we move up,we learn and we grow.Small things makes us happy,big things makes us happy too but comes with compromises.We love someone but plan to spend our lives with someone else cause someone's ready to adjust and we are ready to accomodate.Old age makes us poised,youth makes us vehement, middle age makes us baffled. Each day we are battling, battling for our selves, competing on a routine basis. We hurt someone intentionally we love someone accidentally. The person we love never understands us, the person we hate understands us a little too redundantly.
Life gives us chances out of which we pick a few and leave a manyfold amount. In the end we only regret the chances wev lost.
This is what life totalizes to. Life’s really simple where as relationship's aren’t. However life does have its own quantum of joys and sorrows. Nothing remains for long & so does life. So appreciate it and do whatever makes you happy giving you enormous delight & revelry.

The Bulletined Psyched Manhood

I love weekends & in a country where 58% of population is directly or discursively working in private jobs weekends are bliss. I get up slow and head upright for my daily yoga concourse. I outset with a Surya Namskar, and suddenly discern how controversial yoga   these days is in news channel. While doing the Assans I take into recital which of them in anyway preaches anything even abutting to being religious. I take a lot of effort  to go into the remoteness  of each,  however abort  to understand how a physical workout  can orate  anything but  religion .It has nothing to do other than  refreshing body & soul and  giving some inner peace. Moving to the daily errands, I think of cooking something to cheat on, giving a complete gratification to my tongue too. I do think of the "Killer Maggi" but not in the sake of god even spell it out. Maggi is  meant only to kill rats & mices and nothing else(Byhearted).I follow the Media & the  horde and maneuver my mind to something healthier like  pasta(rather than the toxic  maggi).After all the stuffing and giving myself a break from the week long droning  diet,  I give  a call to an old friend in US. It’s always a joy to talk to someone so close to heart & yet so far. She said how desperate she was to visit us, but visa could be a botheration. I acquainted her how efficient our foreign department was these days .A mail to our honorable foreign minister could solve all hitches. However there  prompt work (which once was never expected), can be a reason for agony too. You need to fairly precise  on whom you are helping, cause  any high profile business man/religious guru can call for all the unwanted attention .After a long rap session  I take a bath and went straight to kneel down  in front of the almighty,  thank him for  all  the endurance to riot for another week at work,  and to handle a  Dracula in the cloak  of a boss .In the midst of my list of prayers, I  notice that the sai baba frame looked a little over sized for the temple and was somehow accommodated  to fit in there.As i elited  and tried to align it somewhere in the drawing room,I hear a yammer  from  husband  as to why was I  being partial  under the  influence of all the hullabaloo  of sai being god or not. I take a sigh to turn and say “Last thing that can happen to me was, getting influenced by this peeved news channel & if that would have been the case the first thing I would have replaced was not Sai baba but --- Leave :)

As I was thinking of wrapping half the day and planning to visit a friend, suddenly I hear a roaring  sound to which I creep under the table considering another earthquake plunges in completing the series of earthquake happening .I rush to hide inside the bed, while my husband is jolted and looking for cockroaches (since that has a similar effect as earthquake on me).However we burst out laughing when we grasp that it wasn’t the  earthquake but  the neighbors above trying to execute something everyday  .What is prudent in all this is that wev become so  readily clouted ,galvanized with  daily bulletin .The most  Torment part is, when you have a family member who is habitual  in inspecting  news on a repeated  basis &  for hours. Sometimes it’s bothering at a level when the same news goes on with three different aspects in three different Channels. I remember my dad asking me the Third question when I told him that I wanted to marry this guy. “Beta I hope he doesn’t watch or read newspaper for too long & in the jiff of being in love I said "No”. Now I realize that parents have a perspective so luminous to reality that it  is moulded to fit in future so well.

The live broadcasts dominates us so badly that we start intertwining & being reliant that all good, bad, true or false are been seen from there context.   A day is wrecked abruptly, affecting us introspectively with everything we do. .It’s vital to be cognizant about the happenings, but being aware is more than enough & you hardly get anything by seeing the howling and screeching on a rather baseless subject.

Being communal is something that comes in our kitty inherited & genetically inclined right from the time of our forefathers. It’s always been significant in Indians & Indian politics. However its  comical  & sometimes irking  to see this on a mundane basis .We talk of India being America someday, but dude Americans never in their dreams will  blame a farmers death, a women rape or even a Exercise session to be Hindu,muslim or  Christian.

I can never change the mindset of this world but at least pray for these news hefty creatures in the name of husbands, who in the world think that just news shouldn't be left that way, rather digging the mystery behind a known or rather obscure issue is imperative. If I have the superpowers to recall this birth in my next, I would surely want a husband no matter how ugly, lethargic or poor he is to not be a news crazy lunatic.:)

The Disheveled Love :)

What is Love?

A Child: When Mamma gives me lot of chocolates & Toys (the cutest kind)

A school girl: Love & break ups Hurts, heart aches, Bruises (And I’m ready for another one)

A teenager: Being attracted to another person, whether it be emotionally, and mentally, but physically as well. You feel like you connect with them a lot. Even though we fight in relationships, it makes it stronger. You’re missing them when away without talking with them for a while, and they're always on your mind
(Bla Bla it’s more like “Of course I love you...Until I find someone better")

A  College going Adult: I believe it is a purpose to live for, Love is an intense desire to protect another, Desire to be with them, Bringing joy to them (And I’m ready to permanently hook up because I have roamed the planet & I never in the world would marry the choice of my parents)

An Elderly Person: It’s a spiritual connection with another person like love for God (Ya ya after going through all above youl be concluding on this now)

The context of love is wrong & misinterpreted, we are only able to connect it with the one whom we wish to make ours, and our paradoxical Sex.Love subsequently after this one relation is not conveyed. The reasons vary ranging from the stiff costumed society where showing love is still a disregarded word. We don't show it too our parents for we feel we are sophisticated individuals, who don't have any urgency to do this. We don't show it to our friend cause the psyche self admiration creeps in, we don’t parade to our life partners cause again we are shy & reluctant to & we don’t need to (They are already ours), We don’t show it for our country cause we look ancient displaying it. We fail to understand that the love for our lover is so superficial, which is either for a need physical & mental, also for the insecurity that they are not compelled or rather necessitated being ours. The relations were we are compelled we hardly care cause we are cognizant of their going nowhere. We live in a greedy world & we the greedy creatures living with greedy motive and greedy persona. We think only about ourselves chasing for what we don’t have & always taking for granted what we have. Love too is poisoned with the pool of narcissism.

It’s extremely traumatic to see the varying atrocities that love goes through .A 22 year old girl tried to commit suicide & the reason is startling & poignant one. She was jilted by the boy for whom she had been crazy for last 5 year’s .Her parents should have killed themselves, because there 22 year old profuse love was scorned for a 5 year old partisan affiliation. They are Sick people, need to get counseled & educated on how a physically impaired woman not able to run or do any normal activity should have killed herself, when she got conscious with it. We have more pragmatic logic to destroy the valued mortal soul that we are so indiscreet about. A 16 year old boy falls in love with his first cousin sister, and is planning to run from home to have a better future (better or a worse one?), A 46 year old women confesses she was in love with a 20 year old boy who was his sons friend (Reaching the epitome of psychos must say).It’s crucial that apart from sex education, people need to be disciplined on what the disillusioned and actual love is.

Love is an overstated phenomenon which has been hyped since decades. Though the modern times have taken it to the level of pudginess & dowdiness. If anyone is sad the first logic that springs up is "Heart Broken” .I mean guys there are more sensitive issues to be sad about. Why so much of Dramaturgy? Love is a scarce feeling, that at some or the other point transpires and is beautiful to experience. Please let it be a one in a life time experience. Love is not about running from home, or falling for any road side intruder, love is about emotions, the same that we have for our beloved clan of people. There is this one person for whom we would love to be a better person, to care & to be cared for, to be understood & to understand. That is the reason they say that we don't fall but rise in love. Loves more than taking is about giving, cause Giving has its own charm for the person whom we are so much in awe of.

Of The Society,For the Society,By the Society :)

We aren't whom we want to be. We are what society demands. We are what our parents choose. We don't want to disappoint anyone .We have a great need to be loved. Thus the light of our dreams turns into the monster of our nightmares. We are puppets of our destiny. My entire life I haven't come across anyone who is completely gratified with his sentience or the kind of life he is living. Nor have I found someone   whose dreams have transpired to legitimate arenas. We are slaves, slaves of others wishes.

Suruchi a friend of mine bought up in a middle class was always a great performer in school and college, but more than academics it was her singing that stole the show. She had dream't of being a national level singer someday. We without doubt considered it rampant in her, since she had that determination and a voice that could give a run for money to any ardent singer. We lost touch after college & I met her after 7 years in a UCB outlet in Gurgaon. Astounded  and elated to find a old friend the thing that  disappointed me was that she had left singing right after college, and was working in a IT company as a software analyst. It’s been years since she sang. Inquisitive about why she left  something she had been so ardently passionate about .She justified  with a despaired voice that her parents never wanted and were able to convince her that once she is done with establishing a career(academics was the only bright career option for them ), she can always go for music. Since then Music has only been a hobby (with the blaze gone) for entertaining friends & relatives. At last what she told me gave a nudge to write this, "Rika what I am doing today I’m working hard for it, but in no way it makes me contented or gives me a sense of gratification of doing something for myself, its only for the happiness of my parents that I’m dragging my life, with a smile on my face & an impulsion to follow.

 It’s not about   Luck (as most people say "his karma is strong enough to allow him do what he wants") but being gutsy enough to be able to elect what we'v  always wanted to do & be victorious at the same time. I don’t think the percentage would be more than 1 out of a 1000 for those lying in this paradigm. It’s true that our parents have a great portrayal in clinching whats favorable and not for us. However the deciding body should be reviewed after a few years, so that children get to make use of their minds & interest & do what their inner soul wants them to. A Gay friend of mine has always been struggling with the god given hormone and the society depicting hormone of the  straight kind. He knows the society is never going to discern, rather if they get to cognize the fact he would be a target of this superficial civilization. The decision he took was a daring one he portsided home, and went to a far away city found a job there and is happily settled. A great decision of not  marrying under the pressure of  the society  and wrecking two peoples lives was taken .We have dreams not done, possibilities not fulfilled. In India where we are so much suppressed by each other’s desires, not realizing that we make decisions in fear of  being compared & dismaying our parents .We tend to chase the masses (cause that's safer) then forging our choices .

Our parents, our society have a great role in setting names for each phase of life. Anybody who demarcate from this is referred as an immoral & indecent creature, not abiding and obeying the fundamental rules set & followed by generation after generation. But has anyone ever thought that ultimately when we die our wishes, our aspirations is inhumed with us, and ultimately turns into ashes and condenses. Guys I know it’s rather a brave soul who takes not to abide and does something exceptional to fulfill his dreams. Wed be rather surprised to know some of these wishes like choosing a career in photography or acting, Being a spinster entire life, not having kids are so bona-fide yet not contemplated in a noble social order.

I have been an obedient & civilized citizen, always consenting & enduring the path chosen by the society ,getting married and have been stagnantly following the benchmark or rather the criterion  set to be a cultured human soul.I want a phase in my life may be a sudden  few years, where i get to do whatever i want  to. I want to learn guitar, I want to get myself certified in Mountaineering, I want to learn sky diving ...I want to, I want to, I want to. I want to spread my wings & fly, fly with all my dreams that Iv longed for & wished for. After that when I’m gone, there would be no regrets. No regrets, since I have seceded all society norms & been a freebie rather then a patterned modeled soul. I promise that day will come soon, very soon.

The Big Girl Syndrome

I'm back from office  plunged on the treadmill sweating and vexing .I tend to  shed those kilos that have grown with the love bestowed from gulping my favorite cuisines.I exercise till i feel overworked  and starving.The next thing i do is gorge on to some  bread mayonnaise(A guilty meal), but i think iv already remunerated with all  the perspiration. The Increasing hip line &waist line are a curse when u see all those skinny celebrities flaunting their body, with above the knee& below the neck  skin tight clothes.I have hung a poster of  Scarlett Johnson to keep me motivated & induced whenever i'm bequeathing.I am a  women who   rose from a healthy 55kg's to a paunchy 80kg till the age of  23.I was  back to 60kg till 26. I  very well  understand the strife a obese girl goes through.My parents were worried with the number of ailing issues i was going to clench , while  i was worried about my  prince charming.Leave alone  matching my sandals he wont even take the initiative of marking my existence .The innumerable drawbacks were clearly a indication of a fatty me,but all the sacrifice &  dedication put together  aided  me lose the bulge swaying away all  Pizzas,Muttons,chinese for a sufficing  long time from my life.

It has become a trend to have a size 10 (once which was considered skinny) regardless of the age you are.In the present scenario you cannot conclude who is mom and who is daughter looking at their physical presence.Power yoga,Pilates,Jazz  all modern weight loss  techniques  have come up to  fight for all  pizzas & burgers we'v satiated ourselves with.I feel sympathetic towards all  beefy ladies who have genes that transpires even water to  fat's not leaving any room for mercy .These days one of the preferred topic for ladies is The BMI quantification.A day before a friend said she was 32 years  but the BMI test showed her weight to be of a  22 year old(the smoke fuming from others).Hearing this the Pumpkin ladies were irking and twitching  their  fitted  clothes , showing the bulged fat everywhere. The ludicrously amusing  experience of the "weight watch" situation is seen in the  health club.Mrs kashyap is running on the treadmill, she has  been successful in curtailing a whooping  10 kgs weight in 3 months.Inspired by her Mrs chatterjee joins the bandwagon, where shes absolutely sincere  for  2 days & the third day she expects atleast 3kgs  to be less.By the fifth day she visits here just for the sake of a Gym Kitty.Something similar happens in the swimming pool.Ladies of the  size of elephant enter the pool with all determination.What they don't  understand is half of the public is petrified  that the pool will be  empty once they are  in there .This is not to annoy any of my chubby cute Friends rather a humour in a direction of what they expect and what we see.Being fat is not a crime &  i very well  know how difficult it can be at times when most of the public is half of your size.

People have to accept the fact in a country which is so overtly obsessed with the word "Fat" you would be a matter of target every place that you go to.Fat girls get peeved every time they shop .The salesman at the shopping store gives all the mercy looks considering nothings gonna fit you except  the Extra size ones.They endeavor to fit in all the clothes worn by their favorite skinny stars unless you are a Adele or a Jessica Simpson fan.(you can have some relief).When you visit a restaurant or a dinner invitation its so  preconceived & evident   that you will be eating for two..You look with the gushy eyes to all the good looking & personable men since you know they are never going to check you unless  he has a different understanding altogether & liking for  (you are Arpita Khan) Fat Fleshy girls.
Guys  being fat is not a disease unless it hits you mentally or physically.A skinny girl or a black girl or a too fair girl,or too short or  tall has to go through the same state except different situations.Hence to hell with the world just live your life and eat, drink and merry around if your happy. Its only when you feel uncomfortable  in your skin should you think of changing yourself .Otherwise whoever talk's about slimming down  or dieting  just chow down on him too.

p.s-All my heavy friends this article only pertains to the Double XL People and not the large or XL ones.So stop cursing me & relax. love you all ;)